The Dodo Club (62nd Edition)- Reflections on War, Resilience, Refinement and Relationships

A note from me:

Hi Folks,

I write this at a difficult time in the world with the latest eruption of war and the loss of lives in the Middle East, and also at a difficult time for me personally as my mother has just passed away and the family is overwhelmed by emotions and practicalities.  

We were privileged to have mum in the world for more than 93 years, and that made life better for very many people.  So, as much as we have grieved her passing, we have celebrated this life at her funeral. 

My mum comes from what sociologists refer to as the Silent Generation, shaped in their early years by the Great Depression, World War II and the subsequent years of austerity.  They are known for being hardworking, cautious, and financially frugal. They are often called "Traditionalists" or "Builders".  You could see that in my mum, but yet it also sounds just a bit too colourless.  Mum will also be remembered for flashes of exuberance such as her love of leopard-print fashion and pearls.  Even in her final days, she took great care in her appearance, as a way of putting everyone at ease.

The phrase mum remembered most from her childhood was that “little girls should be seen but not heard”.  So she developed her own way of becoming a powerful influence from the background.  And there was grit in this, as well as sweetness. 

I’ll try to summarise something of mum’s nature through three “Rs” – Resilience, Refinement, and Relationships.

There was grit in her Resilience.  She lost her own beloved mother to a burst appendix when mum was only a young teenager.  She was in a terrible car accident at 16 and was initially considered dead at the scene with terrible head and facial injuries until she showed signs of life in the ambulance.  She lost her sight in one eye and many years of reconstructive surgery followed.  All these could have devastated a young girl, yet she proved resilient and determined.  She did well at school and secured a responsible position in a local company which even involved much travelling abroad – very unusual for a Northern Girl from a cotton-mill and coal-mining town in those days.  She married my dad and I came along, and I still remember that she had terrible headaches occasionally as micro splinters of glass worked their way out of her head.  

My mum’s resilience came to the fore again when the marriage to my dad broke down and she went back into full-time employment and built first an independent life and then a second marriage in which she excelled, for instance, as a grandmother.  As she got older, osteoporosis and damage to her spine eventually confined her to a wheelchair, and her dear husband passed away, but this didn’t defeat her.  She was again resilient in moving to a new country to live with us and build yet another new, enjoyable life in The Hague despite her disabilities.  

The second “R” – Refinement - was something we could all recognise in my mum.  Something about the significance of high standards, allied to a good purpose.  This wasn’t vanity or snobbery, it was arranging circumstances in a way that people felt was “right” and thoughtful and put them at their ease.  My mum spoke well and created attractive homes even when we didn’t have much money.  People felt at ease and welcome when they visited.  She would always go the extra mile to bring special moments to people – something to help people feel cared for.  She elevated people.  

And that was a contribution to the third “R” – Relationships.  She quietly developed very meaningful friendships.  She paid attention to everyone, listened out carefully for their needs, and was a constant encourager.  This brought some very special friendships, including across generations.  My wife came to love her as a beloved mother not just a mother-in-law.  She hosted our daughters and their friends during half-term breaks.  She cheerfully accepted me bringing my long-haired, exuberant, Dungeons & Dragons-playing, theatrical, regularly drunken friends home as a teenager, and befriended them.  She came to the Netherlands as a widow on the cusp of turning 80, in a wheelchair, and yet again an ecosystem of love and mutual care evolved around her, such that the church was packed for her funeral service.

Some of you may be familiar with the Discworld novels from Terry Pratchett.  In them, an extremely wise old lady – Granny Weatherwax - has an insightful and direct way of assessing situations and characters.  She says “Evil is treating people like things”, so I guess the contrast is “Goodness is treating people like the marvellous bringers of life that they really are”.   By that standard, my mum quietly brought goodness into the world through her kindness to others.

We love you, mum, and we celebrate your life.

My Bi-weekly Guide:

War, Resilience, Refinement and Relationships

We are currently living through very troubled times across the world, when the primacy of “might is right” is being violently asserted.  Destruction is raining down on people across the Middle East.  Many families are grieving the loss of loved ones.  

It is notable that the last time I wrote about attacks on Iranian targets (see Newsletter Special Edition), I also wrote about how the public services in The Hague had responded with urgency, professionalism and kindness when my mum had fallen and needed to be transferred to hospital and eventually to a wonderful care home.   

As I wrote previously, if we look around us beyond the headlines, we can see the benefits of societies in which collaborative norms and common goods have become embedded in institutions and standard operating practices. They unleash a human capacity for kindness.  People have fought for these politically in the past, we invest in these collectively through taxation now, and we should never take them for granted just because they are not always visible.

I have spent decades as an actor in this bigger world of economic and socio-political affairs, and learned much about how this all works.  I know how strong currents generate counter-currents and that it is unknowable in advance which will prove stronger so alternative outcomes are always plausible. Yet I now also have this gnawing sense that I must push myself to learn something more and to grasp some deeper lessons from my mum’s example.  

Resilience.  Refinement.  Relationships.

They sound very personal, even domestic. But increasingly I think they are also principles of broader significance for navigating a turbulent world.

Resilience is the ability to absorb shocks without losing direction.  I have reflected on the nature of Resilience in several newsletters, including the last Edition. 

Refinement is a commitment to standards - not for display, but because thoughtful attention to detail creates environments where others feel comfortable, respected and valued.

And relationships are the connective tissue that allows communities and institutions to function.

In today’s hyper-accelerated world, these qualities can seem almost old-fashioned.  Yet systems - whether organisations or societies - ultimately depend on human behaviours.

Resilience without relationships becomes brittle.

Standards without purpose become vanity.

But when these three reinforce one another, they create something more durable: a culture capable of sustaining both trust and cooperation.  

Sometimes the most powerful frameworks are also the simplest.  What can we do to develop deeper resilience, refinement and relationships in our societies?  How we can strengthen the ecosystems that reinforce kindness, care and – yes – love that not only act as a counter-balance to “might is right” but can also envelop it?  Just as importantly, can we look at the world and not despair but instead see this quietly in play in the individuals and communities around us?  Can each of us choose to become a person that adds to the stock of kindness in the world, personally and professionally?

Let us not take kindness for granted, or overlook it, but recognise it as a critical infrastructure to invest in for a well-functioning society.  

Our institutions and norms for collaboration and collective action may not be perfect – indeed, many need serious reform or replacement – but let’s not forget their significance and fall into the narrow, individualised “might is right” mindset.  Even in a world where that mindset is dominant all around us, choices we make that engage collaboration and human kindness will ultimately serve our self-interests better, as more can be achieved together than alone.  

As I noted previously, “We are walking a tightrope, but a “might is right” world has no safety net”.

Question of The Fortnight

Every fortnight, I’ll be asking a thought-provoking question in hopes of sparking interesting and enlightening discussion.

I’d love to hear your response! You can do so by simply responding to this email.

Today’s question is:

Where do you recognise kindness at play in your personal and professional life and are there things you can do to enhance this or bring it to bear more broadly?  

The Dodo Club Online Course

If you would like to learn more about the kinds of topics covered in these Newsletters, then please consider signing up for the introductory online course.

This covers scenario/systems thinking for grappling with uncertainty, an introduction to energy transitions, and the development of strategic character in leadership.

In the interest of avoiding the fate of that unfortunate bird, the Dodo, this course aims to help us secure our own personal legacies within a changing world and the energy transition - and to leave a healthier planet for future generations.

You can access the course through Udemy using the link below!

A series of follow-up courses that treat the main topics in increasing depth and detail will be provided if there is sufficient interest.